MHM Magazine

one of those soft rainy days in Cape Town and I was engulfed in mist.  Clearly visible were the halos around the bright lights of the streetlamps. I felt isolated, alone on this earth. I looked up and thought ‘now I have a brother in heaven’. Several months later we got news that a final inquest would be held at the Pretoria Magistrates Court to close the docket. Luckily, it was during university break and on her insistence I could take my mother to Pretoria to hear the result.  Was this her way perhaps of finding closure? Can a parent ever come to the acceptance of the death of a child? We were seated in a sparse, essentially furnished government office. The Magistrate greeted us cordially and after establishing our identities proceeded to page through a brown file containing some affidavits, hospital reports and a post-mortem report. After a few minutes he closed the file and wrote on it ‘Cause of Death: Accidental Poisoning’.  My mind again told me - did he perhaps think of the possibility of suicide, but I dare not question a court official’s conclusion. It was several years later, and I was back in Johannesburg having completed the roller coaster pressure of my medical studies at UCT.  Now I was a registrar in Psychiatry at Wits University and started to delve in matters of the brain and psyche.  Finally, I had a little more time to rethink and explore events that had shaped my last few years. So much has been written about the death of a parent, a child or a loved one, but little about the death of a sibling. There are special characteristics unique to a sibling bond. Brothers and sisters influence each other’s development in fundamental ways, whether positive or negative. Sibling relationships can be either characterised by antagonism and/or attachment, caring versus competition, loyalty as well as possibly lingering resentment. A sibling holds a symbolic place in your life. The loss of a sibling means the loss of a significant figure of your formative past. The grief process will thus be as significant as with any other noteworthy person in your life. I’ve realised there is no ‘right ‘or ‘wrong’ way to deal with the death of a family member. Each person is unique and comes from their own distinctive background.  One needs to be aware of your feelings and eventually deal with them. I’ve realised that persistent negative emotions can be very destructive, and one should try to rather focus on positive emotions without resorting to denial. In hindsight I realised that with the death of a sibling I’ve experienced a wide range of emotions. My experience has taught me that I needed time for myself until I was able to deal with emotions at the right time. Over time I appreciated the absolute importance of family support and connectivity with surviving family members and friends. Not only was I going through my own grieving process, but I had to recognise their grieving as well. We could share the sadness of events but above all share memories of the person – good, bad, and funny. We need to find more occasions to celebrate a person’s life rather than dwell on the past. You don’t have to delve too deep to find happy and positive memories and experiences. I now have a belief to never stop celebrating life. I will keep family members in my heart forever. I’ve chosen a career in medicine, psychology and psychiatry. Although I’ll never have the answer about the actual events surrounding my brother’s death, I feel it has made me much more aware of people’s lives and emotions, always keeping the possibility of suicide at the back of my mind when dealing with patients and adopting a life philosophy of giving rather than receiving. visit our website www.ihpublishing.co.za