MHM Magazine

Issue 4 | 2021 | MENTALHEALTHMATTERS | 45 MHM LIVING WITH... I AM NOT MY ANXIETY; I’M LIVING WITH IT... A nxiety, a term everyone has experienced at some point in their lives. However, not a lot of people necessarily understand the full picture, when it becomes severe. As I reflect on this journey with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), I find myself asking the question “who am I?” The lines are blurred; it has infiltrated every aspect of my life. It has become a mountain I have to climb every single day, making it difficult to separate it from who I am. I never thought twice about what I was experiencing growing up. That constant nervousness, worry, the nail biting, the morning nausea and the staying out of school when orals were due. Now, as I reflect, I realise my anxiety has been in the background waiting to be centre stage. It was probably what sparked my interest and passion for psychology. It’s a journey I think I’m meant to be on, to discover my purpose from my pain.  It eventually took centre stage while I was completing my master’s degree in Research Psychology. It felt like something I needed to remove immediately as it paralysed me to the point where I couldn’t concentrate and be productive. It resulted in my on-and-off journey with medication, mainly due to my unresponsiveness to the various medications prescribed by my GP and the lack of access I had to professionals with expertise, a prominent issue we face in South Africa. My experience whilst being on medication encompassed a vast amount of side effects while still experiencing anxiety. You wait, hoping that it will give you a slight bit of release, only to strip away that hope of ever NOT experiencing constant anxiety. I also believe my journey has been impacted by my lack of acceptance and agency due to my unsuccessful treatment experience. I gave up, hoping it would simply disappear, pushed it into the background and tried to ignore it while going about my day to day life. However, that was a futile exercise as I couldn’t fully ignore it. For me, it’s a constant feeling of anxiousness not only triggered by situations or certain thoughts. It also impacts my mood with feelings of irritability, apprehensiveness and sadness on those days when I am totally overwhelmed.  A large part of living with GAD has to do with the physical symptoms one experiences. The list of physical symptoms I experience is extensive, such as: chronic headaches, nausea, sleep disturbances and muscle tension to name a few. At first, I was unaware it was all related to my anxiety but now I have a better understanding of its impact on my body and the measures I need to put in place to manage it. I found that exercise, particularly running, assisted with alleviating certain symptoms. Prayer and worship was another key factor in redirecting my thoughts, providing calmness and hope. I am learning to accept my journey and to be mindful of the meaning I attach to it as it tends to be influenced by the stigma mental health faces in general and the lack of education around GAD. I had to realise that finding the right medication for me is a trial and error process and like a lot of things, we each respond differently. I am now hopeful that I will find what works for me. I believe I need to look at this holistically and implement changes By Nicole Pitt in every aspect of my life. Do I have all the answers, frankly no, but I am on a journey to prioritise my health and wellbeing while learning practical tools for long term management of my symptoms. Since it has been difficult to think of GAD as separate to who I am, I internalised false beliefs about who I am and my abilities. I thus have to actively work towards changing these negative thoughts and rediscover who I am. While I have lived through experiences of anxiety, I am not my anxiety. This is an important realisation that I have to constantly remind myself of and be aware of my own internalised negative perceptions of living with GAD.  I was not sure about sharing my story due to the stigma attached to mental health. I didn’t want to be known solely as the person with GAD as I’m more than that. I soon came to realise that the first step is accepting that this is my story and having that boldness to speak out to challenge the stigma. By not sharing my story, I contribute towards a society who doesn’t prioritise mental health as much as physical health and one where discussion around mental health is not encouraged. We all have challenges and in this life, GAD is a part of my journey. It has fueled my passion for mental health and wellness along with sharing the experiences of others through research.