MHM Magazine

Issue 6 | 2021 | MENTALHEALTHMATTERS | 11 MHM what they expect in the first place. Often, people aren’t even aware of the expectations they place on themselves, let alone why they’re expecting so much from themselves. Once they recognise this they need to figure out if their expectations are based on their own needs or what they believe other’s expect and need from them. Most of the time (especially for those who struggle with anxiety), it will be the latter. Prioritising others’ needs above their own is often unhelpful, especially if what others need from them is to not be depressed or anxious – which isn’t in their control. In fact, the pattern of sacrificing their own needs for the sake of others is what may be contributing to their mental health issues in the first place! So it’s important to try and shift this to a dynamic that’s more helpful and sustainable. While it’s a priority for some to meet others’ expectations, it’s important to at least establish a balance; to ensure their own needs are still being met alongside the needs of others. For those who experience depression and anxiety, it can be a struggle, even to just identify what their needs are, let alone prioritise them – which is why it’s important to start out by helping them identify such needs . It’s been a very tough year for many, so getting your client to prioritise their need for rest or time out is extra important. This is their holiday time as much as it’s everyone else’s. Without even realising it, many people place expectations on how they want to feel – especially in the ‘festive season’. It’s in the name, you’re meant to feel festive – ‘tis the season to be jolly… but, what if they were to let go of these expectations? As a psychologist, I’m often presented with clients seeking help to ‘feel happier’. I try and explain to my clients that the irony of striving for happiness when you’re not happy is that it often just emphasises how unhappy you are. “What’s wrong with me? I have nothing to complain about. I’m obviously just a selfish person for not being happy.” I point out that when they’re unable to reach the happy state they’re striving for, it can compound the unhappiness with other difficult feelings, like frustration or guilt. What they need to realise is that they can’t just choose how they feel – if they had such control, none of them would ever choose to feel half the emotions they do. While it’s often not what anyone wants to hear, it’s important to point out that expecting themselves to be happy isn’t necessarily realistic – especially if it’s been a hard year. It helps to normalise clients’ experiences and suggest that they too give themselves the space to not have to be a certain way, but to just be human. It’s counterintuitive – especially as healthcare practitioners – to not strive to make our clients feel ‘better’. However, it helps to explain to clients that accepting difficult emotions isn’t the same as liking them. Of course most people don’t like being sad, lonely or anxious. However by giving themselves permission to feel what they’re feeling, it prevents them from becoming distressed and overwhelmed by the experience. It’s not great to be sad or lonely, but we can’t always help that, especially if we have depression. Instead of focussing on what they can’t control, focus on what they can – which is doing something to soothe or care for their difficult feelings. Balance them out with activities that bring them a sense of meaning. They can’t always connect with happiness, but what about connecting with something that relaxes, soothes or comforts them? Many people often put certain activities off until they ‘have more time’. Well, this could be their chance to finally implement that morning meditation routine, journaling session or daily afternoon walk. Perhaps they can finally carve out time to read that book they’ve been putting off, or cooking some of their favourite meals or tending to their plants. Sometimes even the simplest of activities, like having a cup of tea can bring comfort. Holidays tend to be seen as a time to do things and keep busy, however it’s also a great opportunity to just be. It helps to remind people that they can give themselves permission to be where they are at. If their state of being is down or anxious, while it may not be what they want, it allows them to focus on what will be helpful for themselves in that moment.