MHM Magazine

46 | MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS | Issue 1 | 2022 MHM does her rounds and demands she return to her bed, she gets a jab and we both float into oblivion. After some days who knows how many, I have no concept of time, I just eat, sleep, cry, take pills and cry some more. I try to start making sense of it all; the only reason to find reason is in the knowing that I’m the undeserving mother of three very precious little girls who are not allowed to see me because I’m bad for them. And I know this. It feels like a death sentence. I’m no longer capable of even seeing my children without hurting them, the devastating sight of me, so pathetic and broken would frighten them forever and I’ve tortured them enough already. I try to focus on the facts, the truths hitting me like punches, my diagnosis - bipolar mood disorder. I was unhappy in my marriage and during a hypomanic episode I had an affair. There it is, I didn’t mur- der anyone; I just obliterated my husband’s heart and savaged my family, which might be worse. Please God rescue me from myself. That was the start of a new chapter of my growth journey, finally a diagnosis to support my troubled mind, my erratic moods of highs, impulsivity, shopping, the insatiable need for approval and the energy to paint my whole kitch- en orange with a small sponge in two days with little to no sleep; and then the devastating lows, wanting to drive into a bridge, drink alcho- hol and sleep to find oblivion. My first awareness of myself was at the age of about 14, during puberty. I became a devil at home/ angel in public persona. I learnt to mask my self-loathing and over- whelming emotions to gain the others approval. I was sexually abused when I was nine which together with an unavailable father led to my insa- tiable need to be loved by men, and my low self-worth and perception that only my sexualised mattered. It’s no surprise that I developed an eating disorder. My inability to regulate my emotions and not personalise everything resulted in hurt and many regrets. My ability to introspect and process my past has empowered me to be able to connect with others on a similar journey and through my life coach- ing and lay counselling I do believe I’ve managed to help others. I got married for many of the wrong reasons, immature love, the distorted belief of my capacity to care for myself and that he would love me above all else. I chose an unavailable man - in that I wasn’t a priority. After each of my three pregnancies I suffered post-na- tal depression. Undiagnosed I struggled immensely; my husband only avoided me more. He wasn’t a hands-on kind of father, not to diminish his love for his daugh- ters in any way. I was diagnosed and treated for depression by a general practitioner who special- ised in counselling. I saw her for many years even through my two month affair. I was never happy in a healthy way, circumstances triggered my emotions and would spiral regularly. I often had sui- cidal ideations but the one thing that always kept me going was my children. My breakdown was the lowest point in my life, my girls and I had to move in with my parents. I left with nothing. In my naiveté I‘d married out of community without accrual. I’d made a wealthy and much-loved man very angry. It was a desperately difficult time, but it was a natural consequence of my behaviour, which I had to be accountable for. This is one of the greatest lessons one can learn, we want to blame others or God for our circumstances but it bears considering whether we were indeed a victim or whether our behaviour contributed to our suffering. I learnt much from that very dark and devastating time. To this day, even though I’m medicated and still attend therapy, I still ride the waves of wonderous hypomania and then drown in the depths of despair. But now I have a boat and some control in navigat- ing the tumultuous ocean of BMD. In my boat I have skills, personal awareness, boundaries, ability to assess a situation, instead of reacting, I can respond. I have a phenomenal psychiatrist, who deserves an article just about him and a remarkable intuitive thera- pist who has helped me build my boat. The things I know: • I’m worthy of love and respect, of others and myself. • I will never mess with my med- ication; I can never risk hurting my girls again. • I will never lie. • I will never judge. • I treat others as I’d like to be treated. • I believe in God, I’m a Christian, believing in something bigger than myself, the first question asked by my psychiatrist, has made all the difference. I don’t and will never judge anyone else’s journey. • I have the deepest respect for others with mental illness and my greatest advice is to take ownership of your illness, learn about yourself, accept help, commit to your well being and build your own boat. BIO; Marianna Stais holds a Bache- lor’s degree in education, FITCIO exercise diploma, Reebok master trainer, level one B. Social work, Tri focus life coaching diploma and is a member of Comensa. She also volunteers as a counsellor at Gracepoint church. She is happily remarried and has three very successful daughters, a specialising doctor, a Masters pf psychology student and a Masters in Sociology student. She owns a wellness centre offering functional body conditioning, massage and life-coaching.