MHM Magazine

32 | MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS | 2023 | Issue 4 MHM It was early morning and I was sitting with my wife after dropping the kids at school. The phone rang and it was my older sister on the other side saying, “Dad is gone, he hung himself at home.” Immediately the phone went silent. I knew my sister was not playing because of her tone and the brief message. Usually she’d ask about the weather, the kids and life when calling, but not today. I called her back a few seconds later and she confirmed that indeed our father had successfully taken his life by hanging himself in the kitchen at home. That started my endless free fall through grief. That morning, my father Enoch Mzikayifani Simelane died not a natural death but a ”shameful death” at the ripe age of 73 years through suicide. A shock wave went through our entire family and community. And as loved ones we struggled to understand what had happened, with everyone asking the question: How could something like this happen? How could a 73 year old man hang himself? That was a question I didn’t need to ask, though. Because a few years earlier, I too, had attempted suicide over a four day period when I was about 40 years and survived. This didn’t make my grief any less painful. I still had numerous moments of confusion, self-blame and loss of hope and faith in God. But it wasn’t difficult to understand as it was to everyone else, because it was a struggle I knew only too well. My experience on ‘both sides’ then became a curse and a blessing in disguise. When my family, those who had the guts to ask how a suicide attempt could happen, I was able to answer. And when I answered their questions, I saw something wonderful happen - we both could heal and empathise with our family just a little bit more. We were even able as a family to openly disclose the nature of our father’s death without shame or stigma, but sadly not all the family and community felt that way. I can’t speak for every person who has struggled with suicidal thoughts but I’ve spoken to enough survivors to know there are commonalities in how we felt about the experience. I even wrote about it in my book ‘A Killer in My Head.” If your loved one could reach you now, these could be some of the things they would want you to know, and you might be able to find some comfort in hearing from someone who’s been there. - Suicide is more complex than a decision. People who attempt suicide aren’t always convinced it’s the only option. It’s more often that they have exhausted their emotional reserves to continue pursuing those options. It is, in many ways, the ultimate burnout. That state of burnout doesn’t happen overnight either. In order to attempt suicide, a person has to be in a mental state where they can override their own survival instincts. A person like my father, had to have reached a point when they felt their capacity for emotional pain outweighed the amount of time they’re able to wait for relief, at the same moment when they have access to the means to end their life. The fact that someone can progress that far is a much stronger reflection of the state of mental health in our communities and families. We didn’t fail, and neither did you. There is a time when someone in crisis has to expend the most energy in order to keep themselves alive. To ignore the internal thoughts, the impulses, and the despair, is often when they have the very last and least available to do so. Suicide is a tragic, lonely and painful outcome of extraordinary circumstances that, in reality, few of us have control over. - Suicide is rarely that simple. Being suicidal is such a confusing state to be in. I tried and survived three times. It’s a window of opportunity that disrupts the delicate balance that allows us to survive. That to and fro is exhausting, and it clouds our judgment. Suicidal thoughts, once they snowball, can become an avalanche that drowns out the part of us that would otherwise choose differently. This might also be a reason FROM GRIEF TO GRACE FINDING HEALING AND REDEMPTION AFTER SURVIVING SUICIDE LIVING WITH... By Sipho Simelane