MHM Magazine

33 | MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS | 2023 | Issue 4 MHM why some of us suicide survivors sabotage our own attempts. We might choose a method that isn’t reliable. We might drop hints about our mental state that are almost undetectable to others. We might choose a time or place when it’s possible we’ll be discovered in time. The longer we take to plan our suicide mission, the more we leave open the possibility of a slipup or an intervention. A suicide attempt doesn’t reflect how we felt about our potential, our life, or about you. - Suicide is not about hurting you. When I attempted suicide, there were multiple moments when I thought about my family and loved ones. In our minds, we lessen our loved ones suffering and pain. When I speak to other attempt survivors, many of us share the same feeling. In those moments we are so far removed and have such tunnel vision that everything else is blacked out. And that singular vision can override our judgment. A suicide attempt doesn’t necessary mean someone didn’t believe they were loved. It doesn’t mean your loved one didn’t know you cared or believed they wouldn’t get unconditional acceptance and care. Love alone is not enough to keep someone alive. If love were enough, we would see much fewer deaths by suicide. My father’s death by suicide at the age of 73 years says nothing about how much we loved him, or how much he loved us as his family. I have blamed myself many times over the years for my father’s suicide, but I have accepted that it was not my fault. Wouldn’t the world feel so much safer if it were possible to save everyone we loved? Every day since my father took his life and that day I received the call that he was gone, I’ve found myself wondering, “Why did he die, and yet I’m still here?” Grief is a powerful teacher; I’ve learned to live alongside my grief, to let it transform me positively. I find the strength to do what’s right, to be relentless and brave. You’re still here and you still have a chance to be extraordinary. Both as a survivor of loss and of an attempt, life is without doubt precious and worth fighting for. Fight for your life the way you wish you could’ve fought for your loved one. References available on request.