MHM Magazine

Narcissists are greedy for what is termed ‘supply’; attention, compliments, whatever nourishes and inflates their inner sense of unworthiness. To access this, those with a narcissistic personality organisation typically rely on the defences of idealisation and devaluation. They have a need to view another (child, partner, friend) as all good, so that they can become good by association. In relationships, narcissistic people battle to see others as separate entities, and this is where so much of the relational damage is done. They respond very badly to any criticism, and depending on the extent of their psychopathology, even normal feedback. The previously idealised other is then sharply knocked off their pedestal and devalued, becoming an object to be reviled. This is to defend at all costs against an inner sense of badness which cannot be contained. Different theorists have suggested various pathways for the development of narcissism, but it seems to have, at least partly, a developmental etiology, meaning parenting practices and certain life experiences have created a particular template of self and others. The template produces diverse and subtle external manifestations. So, personalities exhibiting a variety of different behaviours may all have a fragile, narcissistic core that is sometimes difficult to see. Consider, Donald Trump. The former US president is infamous for running his own narratives, despite all evidence to the contrary. His behaviour suggests he appears to be devoid of any capacity for self-reflection, is unable to take responsibility for his actions or accept criticism. It’s dangerous to indulge in armchair diagnoses but Trump’s behaviour does epitomise some narcissistic traits taken to extreme. His overtly grandiose behaviour is what is most people associate with the term “narcissist’. However, a core difficulty with identity and self-esteem can manifest in many guises. See below. Case Study Carol is a married woman in her thirties. Her husband is an academic who is emotionally remote, usually preoccupied with his latest research. Carol worked a few jobs before she got married but never really found her ‘thing.’ She is a small, mousy-looking woman, quietly spoken and passive. She has an adored only child, Theo, who she believes to be exceptional in every way. A primary school teacher who once suggested Theo might benefit from a different environment was harshly condemned. Carol proclaimed to her husband that: “No child of mine will go to a remedial school,” and Theo was immediately moved to a different school. Carol insists that any difficulties Theo experiences are because he is special and gifted. She believes he will attend an Ivy League University one day and go on to “change the world.” Carol is using Theo as a narcissistic extension, attempting to live vicariously through him and co-opt his achievements as her own. Theo is likely going to grow up with the message that he is critically important to his mother, not because of who he really is but because of the function he fulfils for her. The development of a realistic self-esteem will be inhibited. If their relationship follows its current trajectory, one can speculate that his mother might be jealous of his friendships and future relationships. Separation and individuation, a normal and necessary developmental phase for young adults, is fiercely resisted and punished by parents with narcissistic tendencies. Mental health practitioners have long recognised that narcissistic traits predict complicated and dysfunctional family dynamics, and very probably, more psychopathology within the family. It is a dynamic that is inter-generational. Children of narcissistic personalities tend to either partner with other difficult personalities to satisfy the people pleasing template they have developed growing up or exhibit narcissistic traits themselves. People with narcissistic tendencies do not typically seek out treatment or have good outcomes in therapy. This is because they battle to accept the “badness” that comes with taking responsibility; any problems they may encounter in their personal and professional lives are usually blamed on other people. In addition, narcissistic people do not age well. Youth brings opportunities for attention, relevance and affirmation and they battle to adapt to the changing circumstances and indignancies of old age, plus the lack of supply available to shore up their fragile egos. Many will resort to manipulations to hold onto power, indulging in attention seeking and guilt inducing behaviour. Consistent with their reputation, narcissistic people can behave in ways that are bewildering and hurtful to others. But they are not deliberately and wilfully ‘toxic’ or ‘predators.’ Their behaviour is better understood as unconsciously motivated, stemming from a certain understanding of themselves and their place in the world. Friends and family members of narcissistic individuals would do well to remember that such people have a mental health condition, and to modify their behaviour, emotional responses and expectations accordingly. References available on request.