MHM Magazine

32 | MENTALHEALTHMATTERS | Issue 3 | 2021 MHM WHAT EXACTLY IS NARCISSISTIC ABUSE AND WHAT ARE THE RED FLAGS THAT PRACTITIONERS SHOULD BE ALERTED TO? People throw out the term “narcissist” quite liberally. Most of the time, people are referring to someone who is excessively selfish and/or self- involved. The person may even meet some of the criteria as set out by the DSM5. However, the DSM5 does not adequately explain the nature of the abuse within the context of a relationship with a narcissist. It only explains the very one-dimensional component of symptoms. The DSM5 only classifies one form of narcissist, the “malignant narcissist” (the so- called “textbook” narcissist). There are other forms of narcissists too – some are much more needy and can even appear quite dependant, some may even seem to be excellent at being altruistic, and still others come from environments where narcissism is normative. It doesn’t explain the nature of the abuse victims suffer at their hands. The one theme underlying all the different nuances of any narcissist beyond being selfish, is that they’re inherently focused purely on themselves at the expense of others. They have the sole-focus of meeting their own needs with little to no regard for the feelings and needs of others. Additionally, they lack any sort of real emotional connection to others and feel little to no remorse or guilt for the pain they inflict on others. This means that in relationships with others, they follow very specific patterns of relatively predictable and systematic abuse. To truly grasp what we’re seeing in our consulting rooms, we need to understand the underlying dynamics inherent in a narcissistically abusive relationship. The themes the practitioner will be seeing in the partner, aka the victim, are as follows: The partner (victim) will: • Become increasingly isolated • Become increasingly financially dependent on the narcissist • Be afraid of punishment, retribution or consequences • Return to the abuser (narc) even in the face of obvious abuse • Lose self-esteem and self- confidence • Sacrifice themselves, their needs, and the needs of their loved ones including parents and children, in order to meet the narc’s increasing needs. GASLIGHTING The most important part of this abuse is that it is insidious and often difficult to detect. Since the narcissist is so manipulative, the victim gets blindly roped into their drama and often loses track of both themselves and their reality. The narcissist uses a particular abuse tactic called gaslighting. This process involves a twisting of reality By Lana Levin Clinical Psychologist Johannesburg  karma@icon.co.za  UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISTIC ABUSE