MHM Magazine

Issue 3 | 2021 | MENTALHEALTHMATTERS | 33 MHM in such a way that the victim begins to question their sanity. An example would be when the victim is pushed to abandon their own children for the narcissist (who may threaten to leave the relationship if this isn’t done), and who then accuses the victim of being a bad or negligent parent. These sorts of impossible scenarios create emotional havoc for the victim. Another example would be the narc losing their temper about something and when told this isn’t acceptable, the narc turns it around and blames the victim. When gaslighting becomes severe, victims begin to do it to themselves. JENNY’S STORY Let’s look at the example of Jenny. Jenny is a professional woman in her early 40’s. She has been divorced for several years and her life is running along quite successfully. Jenny is a single mom to children aged 11 and 13. One day she meets Ben. Ben is incredibly seductive and charming. He says all the right things and Jenny feels like she has met her soul mate. She falls in love quite quickly. He too is a professional. Both have their own businesses however, Jenny’s business has been struggling a bit over the past few years and Ben offers her a reprieve. From the outset, he promises her a life that up until then she has not experienced. There are parties, weekends away and he embraces her children as much as enveloping her (his relationship with his own child is somewhat questionable). His home becomes an oasis. The first few months are bliss. He is everything she has always wanted. He promises her the future she has always dreamed of. But within three months, his ugly side begins to appear. He starts to make excessive demands, both on her time as well as her emotional supply. He begins to create issues between her and her children as well as the children themselves. She starts to avoid family gatherings because every time there is an event in her life, he makes going to it into a huge stress. He informs her that he will no longer attend her social events and that asking him to do so is excessively demanding of her. She now faces a decision: either her family events or him. She chooses him because by then she’s been programmed to do so. His friends never see his ugly side. That is reserved for the people closest to him: his partner (Jenny) and his family, including his child. THE NATURE OF THE BEAST The narcissist is a highly intelligent person. They make it their job to learn everything they can about their intended victim. They often set their sights on someone who has characteristics that they either admire intensely and thus want to own (but inevitably will need to destroy), or someone who they know they can easily control/manipulate. No-one is off limits, including their own children, who are simply extensions of themselves. In the early days of the relationship, the narcissist learns all about the victim. They make it their business to investigate all the victim’s hopes, dreams, needs and desires. At some point these things will be used against the victim. They can turn a feather into a weapon. This is a process known as love-bombing. They are incredible students… learning everything they need to know so they can make promises they have no intention of keeping. If a narcissist were to read this, they would probably get stuck on the first seven words of this paragraph and would ignore the rest. Intimate relationships with narcissists cannot and do not survive. There is only space for one person in the narcissist’s life: themselves. As soon as relationships demand more from them, they panic and need to exit. Narcissists are excellent at exiting relationships. Usually this means they discard people like used chewing gum or yesterday’s newspaper. This exit is brutal for survivors and can often result in chronic trauma as well as ongoing questions about “how” or “why” everything began to unravel. It may also manifest in illnesses, body pain. depression, PTSD and the like. WHY DO OTHERS NOT SEE THE NARC’S UGLY SIDE? Narcissists enlist the assistance of others, who are called “flying monkeys”. Just like in the Wizard of Oz, these flying monkeys are employed to do the evil bidding of their queen. They gravitate towards the narcissist and will do their dirty work, which protects the narc’s image. On one level, they are also victims. On another they’re perpetrators. The reasons why they stay so committed to the narcissist and why they will abuse others are complex. They are not subject to the same cycle of being roped in, used up and discarded as the intimate partner is. They’re used in a completely different way. Both the victims(s) and flying monkeys serve a purpose but their roles are vastly different. RECOVERING FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE Therapy with a narcissist is seldom effective. Therapy demands a certain level of insight. Narcs lack insight almost completely (they are only really aware of their intelligence and seductiveness/charisma). It’s best then to refer the victim for therapy to someone skilled in this field, who can assist them to recover. Recovery is difficult and often takes a long time as the survivor will be dealing with complex PTSD. I believe that to do so, one needs to understand the concept of “deprogramming”. This is the same process that survivors of cults go through in order to return to normal life and optimal functioning. References available upon request